THE AMERICANS: Internal Squabble Edition
ROUND ONE
Haley Bragg, Erin Moon, and I teamed up once again for a little internal debate over the American bracket. In Round One, there were SEVEN MATCHUPS with unanimous wins:
Clear eyes, full hearts guys.
To me, this says two things: 1. We did a pretty good job coming up with our Big Dance contenders - out of 64 men, only 7 weren't chosen at all (which is sad, actually. Sorry Dave Franco.). And this is just among three people - so I'm betting there aren't any in the public bracket that pan out like that. I could be surprised, but that's what I'm guessing. Now, the second thing...
2. <3 <3 Rob Riggle. Happy Veteran's Day, buddy.
Now, there was some discussion around the match-ups, including:
Smith vs. Cruise: Jen's choice: Cruise. "I can't quit him. He is...possibly insane?...but I just can't. He's so handsome. Sigh. Giggle. Sigh. Giggle. Grin."
Eckhart vs. Brody: Erin's choice: Eckhart. "Again [as with Vaughn], Aaron feels sturdier. I feel as though Adrien might blow over in a gale."
Hansen vs. Wayans, Jr.: Erin's choice: Wayans, Jr. "Are you kidding? Look at this guy's shoe size?"
Zefron vs. Gordon-Levitt: Erin's choice: Zefron. "PANTS WERE MADE FOR ZAC EFRON TO WEAR. PLEASE LOOK AT THE WAY THIS MAN WEARS PANTS. They'll put a picture of him in pants in the National Archives one day, and later generations will say...we had to stop wearing pants because of this guy. He did it too well. PANTS."
Reedus vs. Pratt: Erin's choice: Reedus. But only 'cause I made her break a tie. "Sorry if I set your house on fire because of this one. I'm gonna burn it down, and then laugh in the ashes. I think you did this on purpose to hurt me. #NotAnswering"
Affleck vs. Ruffalo: Jen's choice (as everyone's): Affleck. "This match up was a lot tougher before I Wiki'd Ruffalo and found out he was a truther."
ROUND TWO
Out of 16 match-ups, we only had five unanimous picks this time around. The few and the proud:
I'm excited to think this means very, very good things for Joaquin Phoenix.
Once again, we had opinions:
Foley vs. Danson: Jen's pick: Danson. "Sorry, not sorry."
Messina vs. Pitt: Erin's pick: Messina. "Just put him in the finals already."
Wilson vs. Vaughn: Haley's pick: Vaughn. "This. It came down to this?!"
Riggle vs. Phoenix: Everyone picked Joaquin.
- "Riggs, it was fun while it lasted." - Jen
- "It was good while it lasted, Riggs." - Haley
- "Sorry, Rob. Bye Felicia." - Erin
Affleck vs. Chandler: Erin's pick: Coach Taylor. "Still no hesitation."
Segel vs. Perry: Jen's pick: Perry. "If I were 12 and playing the "Who'd I marry?" game, I'd vote for Perry solely weighing the probability of dick jokes told at the dinner table."
Leto vs. Diggs: Haley's pick: Leto. "This is rude. But #manbun."
ROUND THREE
The Sweet Sixteen round is over, and once again, Joaquin is in it. Our unanimous champions (but let's be honest, they're ALL winners, and so are we):
Haley and I didn't get a chance to record anything for the week, but we'll circle back on that next week in time for the Final Four. But first, the comments...
Downey, Jr. vs. Pace: Erin's pick: Pace. "I'm basically choosing Lee because of his height VERSUS RDJ. But...LAWD...that HAT."
Reedus vs. Affleck: Haley's pick: Reedus. "The heart wants what it wants. And my heart wants Norman Reedus in a bad, bad way."
Erin's pick: Affleck. "Norman is dead sexy, but please look at the broad shoulders on this man."
Bailey vs. Vaughn: Haley's pick: Vaughn. "I understand that I'll probably be the only one voting this way, but I can't let my guy down now."
Phoenix vs. Eckhart: Jen's pick: Phoenix. "What MEN. And throwback Hollywood types in looks. Sigh."
Haley's pick: Phoenix. "I thought this choice would be tougher."
Clooney vs. JGL: Haley's pick: Clooney. "Doug Ross FTW."
Erin's pick: JGL. "Please see JGL lip syncing Tiny Dancer on Jimmy Fallon."
Segel vs. Leto: Haley's pick: Segel. "Leto's eyes are trying to sway my decision, but it really does come down to the fact that I'm pretty sure Jason Segel and I have more in common. Like, we both think Jared Leto is super hot."
Wolk vs. McDermott: Haley's pick: Wolk. "James Wolk because of that time that we vacationed together."
Foley vs. Messina: Erin's pick: Messina. "OH MY GAH CHRIS IN THAT HAT."
ROUND FOUR
I'll be honest...I'd typed up a huge thing and then my computer froze while it was saving and there's no way I'm going to be able to top it. So I'll just get right to the meat of the conversation.
We did it. Joaquin lives on. In the Elite Eight round, Joaquin was our only unanimous pick.
In our internal bracket, we said goodbye to George Clooney, James Wolk, Eion Bailey and Ben Affleck. And when the public bracket said bye to Chris Messina, we finally found ourselves with two completely separate brackets. Let's see what happens in the FINAL FOUR! But first...the comments:
Pace vs. Affleck:
Erin’s choice: Affleck. "I cannot overstate the difficulty of this pairing. I want to choose Lee because MY HEAVENS, can you NOT just die at the prospect of running your fingers through that HAIR? And that jawline? EYELASHES. But also, Ben has that little bit of gray in his hair and those troubled bags under his eyes and that impeccable beard and I have no idea. (Sat here for seven minutes) It's the traditional choice, but I'm going with Ben. I'm glad this is America and I don't actually have to choose.”
Haley’s choice: Pace. "I can't help you understand this, because I can't understand my choice!!"
Jen’s choice: Pace. "I mean, he's just sooooooooo preeeeeettttyyyyyyy."
Bailey vs. Phoenix:
Erin on Joaquin: "That scar calls to me.”
Haley on Joaquin: "This could also be "The Battle of the Names."'
Jen on Joaquin: "Bless us for this match up. But. JOAQUIN. (Have you heard the anecdote of him telling someone to call him Kitten* when they couldn't pronounce his name? Swoon.)” (*I know it was apparently a joke, but still. STILL.)
Clooney vs. Leto:
Erin’s pick: Leto. "There is only darkness. There is ONLY Jared Leto's eyes. He's like a beautiful gigantic ombre-d puppy and HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN'S HANDS?”
Haley’s pick: Clooney. “If you wanted me to pick Leto, you shouldn't have picked that picture of Clooney.”
Jen’s pick: Leto. "From bad hair comes great triumph? I'm not mad about either of them. But have to go with that ombre. Clooney out charms and postures Leto every time, though. I wonder if that's from being the son of a politician and nephew of a Hollywood legend? He's, like, the appropriately ego'd Michael Jackson."
Wolk vs. Messina
Erin’s pick: Messina (***SPOILER ALERT: Interestingly enough, Interstellar spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk.***)"I call foul on this pairing. I see you JEN CLAPP! That picture of Wolk is devastating in all the best ways but I won't be swayed. It's not a great picture of Chris, but his image in that apron and red glasses is tattooed on the back of my eyelids, so you can't fool me. CHRIS MESSINA. All day. All night. Outer space. Other galaxies. Other dimensions. Beyond the vale. Inside the Black Hole with Matty McC."
Haley’s pick: Messina. "We've picked Bob Benson over Don Draper, but in my life Danny Castellano comes first.”
Jen’s pick: Wolk. "Ain't no stopping us now. And I'm picking James Wolk even though I know he was born in the mid-80s. But seriously, there are no losers here."
THE CHAMPIONSHIP
Sigh. Goodbye, Diamond Dan. Goodbye, Jordan Catalano. You were both so beautiful, it hurt to look at you. But it was only ever these two:
Once again, Joaquin was a unanimous pick. Whether it was true or habit, it's what happened, and I'm not mad about it.
Some comments:
Pace vs. Leto:
Haley's pick: Pace. "Easiest thing I've done all day."
Erin's pick: Leto. "See The Boiler Room episode of My So-Called Life."
Jen's pick: Pace. "Sigh. This is harder than the other match up to me. I'm going to go with who I think I could have the longer conversation with. And who I can Google without seeing photos by Terry Richardson."
Joaquin fan-girling:
Haley: "What are we even doing here, ladies?!"
Erin: "My heart cries for Danny and his dancing Christmas gifts. But NOTHING can stand against Jo and his Johnny Cash blacks. Except maybe Jared Leto."
Jen: "Easy peasy. Maybe it would've been harder if Damages hadn't ended so long ago, but, welp, it did."
So now, it's time. IT'S TIME.
HOW'S IT GONNA END?!?
CLICK HERE TO VIEW OUR FULL RESULTS (IN GOOGLE DOCS)
Well, it ended like this. It was always, only, ever, Joaquin. Almost only, anyway. Joaquin, sadly, didn't continue his streak, but he still won the internal bracket 2 to 1 over Lee Pace. Here's the reasoning:
Haley said: "I'm a sell-out and it better not bite me in the ass. LEE PACE FOR LYFE." (Note: She still picked Joaquin.)
Erin said: "it doesn't make sense to me
Other than the fact that Lee's hair haunts my dreams, wanting and needing for me to touch it. He's also Elven royalty, and that's sexy as hell."
Jen said: "That busy. little. bee."
Until next time...
